[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
You Might Also Like
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
also my go-to takeaway order
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert