this country is so goddamn polarized
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.