If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Proctology is located in A55
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅