I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
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It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”