Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
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Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life