Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
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Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere