Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
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I wish all tests were things you peed on
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
This will never not be funny 😭
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.