“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
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A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere