[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.