My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
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*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
the council will decide your fate
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I did not eat the cake…