DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
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If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
wtf management?!
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste