I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
prepare for carbonated trouble
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.