me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
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“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
lol
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.