Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
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GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.