Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this