From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!