[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
You Might Also Like
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Pat is about to own someone
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Guantanamo Bae
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*