Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Danger is very dangerous
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Previously On Persistence 😎
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
favorite tropes as memes
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.