People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
time machine? you mean a clock?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Put a ring on it
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks