I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope