Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
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Seals are just dog mermaids.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.