On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
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Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
🤣dope
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!