It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
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I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I had to Stop for this
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.