Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
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I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
u spoke cat all this time??????
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.