4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“i miss shittin on people”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.