I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
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uncle dave has been through hell
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
me and who
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.