my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”