I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.