CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
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Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
waiting for halloween be like:
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”