Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
You Might Also Like
We found love in a hopeless place.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Meme Monday.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.