Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy