The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
This has made my week.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“Theirye’re” problem solved
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane