Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
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I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Leaving the Barbers like
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie