[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
You Might Also Like
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”