Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
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Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Probably my best painting.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”