My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
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Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Print is alive and well!!!
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes