The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
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[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?