They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
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“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Moms. The original autocorrect.