If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
You Might Also Like
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok