[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..