If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.