accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
You Might Also Like
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL