Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
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Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
August 8
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail