you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I occasionally drink every single night.
tourist season
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together