Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.