I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
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My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Flock of bats
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor