I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
You Might Also Like
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?