FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
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She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
yea so i messed up lol
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.