I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.