Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
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can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
NASA has no chill
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.