I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
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What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.